


I Only Want Your Hand to Hold (I Only Want You Near Me)

by lavenderteaspoons



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Crushes, Declarations Of Love, Em is my friend who made a thing, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I made this too quickly but maybe I'll come back later with more who knows, IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew as Family, Pining, Self-Insert, cycle who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27219628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderteaspoons/pseuds/lavenderteaspoons
Summary: Em's realizations about their feelings for Lucretia. Some soft good stuff, and gifted to my friend Em, who goes at @not_today_jesus on tiktok, you should go check out their stuff.
Relationships: The Director | Lucretia/Original Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	I Only Want Your Hand to Hold (I Only Want You Near Me)

The sun rises slowly behind the ridge of mountains that border the valley in which the Starblaster has landed. Em sits at the kitchen table, mug of coffee in hand and watching the pink and yellow light creep across the copper roofs of the nearby city, trying in a futile attempt to wake themself up.  _ It’s entirely too early to be awake _ , Em thinks, staring down at their cup of coffee. It’s about 7:00, and the ship is quiet. The crew has been on this plane for about three months now, their search for the Light no further than usual, and they have yet to encounter any hostile creatures or even plants. The city’s community has been just as welcoming and down right hospitible. As far as Em knows, Davenport has been in good communication with the city council about the crew’s goal and the city has offered as much help as they can, going as far as opening access to their extensive library. Em knows Lucretia is probably the most excited about this fact, as a chance for knowledge about any plane will be beneficial in her documenting.

Ultimately this plane has been a chance to relax, to banish thoughts of death and The Hunger and focus on finding the light and resting. Em finishes their cup of coffee, and regards the dregs resting at the bottom of the mug sleepily. It’s become a routine for them to begrudgingly get up to drink coffee and watch the sun rise, even as difficult as it is to pull themself out of bed. It’s been worth it every morning so far, the sunrises in this plane are beautiful. Em sets their mug on the table and stretches back, feeling the satisfying pops of their spine. 

Lup pads tiredly into the kitchen and Em waves. Lup grunts in response, and makes herself some coffee. She sits down next to Em with a mug in hand, and rests her head on her arms. 

“G’Morning,” Em hums, tapping their fingers against their mug. Lup mumbles something in response and Em nods, not feeling up to talking just yet. They sit together in a comfortable silence, until Lup finally lifts her head and takes a long sip of coffee. 

“Sleep okay?” Lup sets her mug down on the table and Em shrugs, thinking back over their night. They’d had a vivid dream about the little red flowers that seem to bloom everywhere, the colors bright and intense. So far that has been consistent, as any dreams they have seem to follow the same theme of intensity. They think it has something to do with this plane’s astral energy, they’ve never been able to sleep well on high-activity planes. 

“I get vivid dreams here,” Em admits. Lup looks over at them and raises an eyebrow. 

“Really? So does Taako, he’s been complaining about it since we got here.”

  
“Huh,” Em frowns. “I’m thinking it has something to do with the astral energy here? Have you or Barry been getting readings on that?” Lup chews on her lip. 

“Not really, we haven't thought to check them really. I’ll have him set that up today, maybe get you and Taako into the lab.” 

“Good morning Em, Lup.” Lucretia smiles at them when she walks in and Em takes a moment to appreciate the warm looking sweater she wears. 

“Morning Keesha,” They say, and Lup echoes with,

“Morning Keesha,” Lucretia rolls her eyes at the nickname and busies herself with making coffee. 

“Do you get dreams?” Em asks Lup, who perks up at the question. 

“No, which is really weird all things considered,”

As Lup talks, Em’s eyes stray over to Lucretia, who stands by the kitchen window, hands curled around her mug and eyes closed.

“Em?” 

“Yeah?” Em says, eyes still fixed on Lucretia, watching as she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes.

“You’re staring,” Lup grins.

“You’re staring,” Em snarks back, looking back down at their mug.

“Listen if you like her you should-”

“Lu, she’s my coworker. That’s weird, I just zoned out. We’re friends.” Em rolls their eyes and tries to ignore the weird twisting in their stomach.

“Sure thing.” Lup grins and launches into another explanation of how Barry tracks astral energy.   
  


  
  


The sun is hot against Em’s neck, and they wipe a hand across their forehead to clear the sweat there. They’re holding a basket full of little flowers, similar in shape to daisies from home, but a stark blood red color. Magnus is in front of them, his bulky frame popping up comically from the field of flowers they find themselves in. 

“Why are we here again?” Em asks, wiping more sweat from their face and squinting at Magnus. He pulls another bunch of the little daisies up, and Em holds out the basket for him to drop them into. Taking a moment to breath deeply, Magnus shrugs, and turns to find another suitable bundle.

“Barry wanted some samples of these flowers, and Lup wants to make flower crowns,” He says, plucking one to inspect it carefully. Em frowns a little, annoyed at the sweating they’re doing for Lup and Barry, but begrudgingly reaches down to pull out another bunch of the long stemmed flowers.

“Gotcha.” they say. Magnus grunts in response. They work together in silence for a while, giving Em to think about the color of the daisies. They wonder what they would look like draped around Lucretia’s natural hair, the red amidst the curls, with maybe some of Lup’s red lipstick, and abruptly has to pull themself out of that almost fantasy. Which brings up another question, why in the first place was the fantasy brought to mind? Lucretia is a friend, so why do they want to know if bringing her a bundle of these little flowers would make her happy? Their thoughts are interrupted by Magnus placing another bundle into their basket and slyly asking,

“So, you and Keesha huh?” Em coughs on spit, and shakes their head, laughing awkwardly.

“No, no. Lup’s just being a dick, probably telling everyone we’re together,” Em shrugs, and finds a patch of flowers to become interested in.

“Lup didn’t tell me anything,” Magnus chuckles. “It’s honestly kind of hard to ignore.” Em looks up at Magnus who grins.

“What is?”

“You and Keesha,” Magnus gestures like it’s obvious. Em frowns, because it’s very much not obvious, at least not to them.

“No,” They say. “Like I told Lup, Lucretia and I are just friends. She’s my coworker,”

“I mean, y’all did spend like an hour at the library yesterday,” Magnus points out. 

“So? You go with Lup all the time,” Em huffs. 

“Yeah, but at least I come back with books. You didn’t come home with any books yesterday,” Magnus laughs and Em sighs. 

“Look, I was just supporting her, she asked if I’d come with her, and I wasn’t busy so I went with her. And so what if I didn’t bring home any books? Maybe there weren’t any books I wanted to bring home, you don’t know that,” Em sets down the basket and sits next to it, plucking out a flower to spin between their fingers.

“To be fair, Lucretia can make any topic sound interesting. She’s got some really cool ideas, we had a whole conversation about how star charts here and star charts from home line up, because they don’t, but they do,” Em explains, picking off petals one by one. Magnus sits down across from them, and nods like he’s listening. 

“I hadn’t even thought of that, and she’s so much more than just our archivist, she knows so much about each of our individual fields, and she cares, you know?”

  
“Em you’re simping,” Magnus interrupts, and Em blows a raspberry at him.   
“Shut up Magnus, I'm not simping.” They say.

“You're hella simping,” Magus says. “I mean, star charts? No offense, but I think even you would rather play chess with Merle than spend all day looking at star charts. And hey, simping is okay, but if its serious you should probably talk to her about it soon,” Em opens their mouth to argue, and then stops.

“I… I don’t know to be honest. I don’t know. I think she’s great,” Em says, and Magnus nods. “Like really great.”

“She is,” Magnus says. 

  
  
  


The song Em plays is easy and familiar, and matches the gentle atmosphere of the evening. They sit in the kitchen at the table, looking out over the town and plucking almost absently at their guitar, humming under their breath. It’s been a long day, not that it’s been bad, but Em’s done a lot of thinking. Lucretia has been at the forefront of their thoughts, and how they feel about her. Em frowns when they hit the wrong string, and quickly correct, playing the note progression once more before continuing on. 

Em almost feels this way about Lucretia, like they’ve hit a wrong chord and need to correct it. Something’s off, but they can’t quite place what. Lucretia’s a good friend, a wicked smart archivist, and on top of that she’s lovely. Not just her face, but her mannerisms, the soft smiles she keeps when she watches over the rest of the crew, her handwriting, the way she tucks pencils into her hair and forgets about them. Em feels safe around her, like they can just be without judgement. Not to say that the crew is judgmental, but especially around Lucretia, who is accepting and kind and  _ lovely. _

_ So what does this mean? _ Em wonders. If Lucretia is a good thing in their life, why do they feel so unsettled about her? What’s missing? 

“Are you okay?” Em startles, and realizes three things at once. 

Lucretia is standing just to their left, her hand on their shoulder, and looking concerned and a little amused. 

Lucretia is looking at them, her mouth quirked slightly in a way that makes Em wonder if Lucretia uses lip balm. 

Lucretia is looking at them, and Lucretia looks beautiful. 

Hair pulled up into a scarf, and cardigan loose around her shoulders, Lucretia looks like the picture of comfort, and Em wants to sink into a hug from her, and just relax. Em realizes they’re staring, and Lucretia’s smile has soured a little with worry. 

“You’ve been frowning at the town for about fifteen minutes,” Lucretia squeezes Em’s shoulder and sits down in the chair next to them. “Did someone piss you off again?” Em opens their mouth, and clears their throat, pausing in their playing to find an answer that isn’t just a vague dopey compliment. 

“No, I ah-” Em laughs and shrugs, trying desperately to will away the flush in their cheeks. “Just thinking.” They pluck a few more chords to release some nervous energy. Lucretia nods, humming like she understands. 

“What were you playing?” She asks.

“What?” Em says, confused. 

  
“The song, it sounds lovely,” Lucretia sets her journal on the table and fishes a pencil out of her pocket, opening up to jot down a few words. It takes Em longer than they’d like to admit to understand Lucretia’s question, and then even longer to meet Lucretia’s gaze. 

“Oh, it’s a nursery song from home,” They say, plucking out a few notes of the melody. 

“Does it have words?” Lucretia’s smile is teasing, and Em matches it, smirking a little and adjusting their grip on the guitar. 

“Are you asking me to sing for you Keesha?” Em’s stomach flips and develops butterflies at the red tone that colors Lucreatia’s face. She laughs, and rolls her eyes. 

“Maybe,” She sets her pencil down, and leans back in her chair. “Maybe I’m asking you to teach me to sing,” 

“Okay, you can definitely sing,” Em warms up a few chords, strumming through the song once. 

“I’ve heard your showers, so none of that bullshit,” They grin at Lucretia who smiles fondly and gestures to the guitar. 

“Please,” She says, and Em starts playing, keeping it light and at a quicker pace than usual. No need to go setting a tone for the evening. 

“I’ll swim and sail on savage sea,” Em looks down at the guitar to focus, Lucretia’s eyes bright and intent. “With ne'er a fear of drowning, and gladly ride the waves of life, if you would marry me,” Em’s fingers almost stumble as they sing and realize a little too late what the song is actually about, and the butterflies are back. Nonetheless, face burning, they continue. 

“No scorching sun, nor freezing cold,” Lucretia is still smiling at them, and Em manages to smile back and remember the next few lines. “Will stop me on my journey, if you will promise me your heart,” They laugh a little awkwardly over the last line, glancing at Lucretia as if to say, ‘love songs, am I right?’ and misses an entire note progression when Lucretia starts singing. 

“And love me for eternity,” Lucretia is still looking at Em, and Em finds they can’t do much more than look back, until Lucretia makes a gesture with her hand. Still blushing furiously, they continue to play, enjoying Lucretia’s gentle voice as she sings. 

“My dearest one my darling dear, your mighty words astound me. But I’ve no need of mighty deeds when I feel your arms around me,” Lucretia grins, and finding it contagious, Em grins back, playing more rapidly as they sing the next line. 

“But I would bring you rings of gold, I’d even sing you poetry,” Lucretia rolls her eyes at this line, but Em continues. “And I would keep you from all harm, if you would stay beside me,” Lucretia joins in again, her voice just as gentle but somehow stronger. 

“I have no use for rings of gold, I care not for your poetry,” Em suddenly finds their hand in Lucretia’s , the guitar music stopped as Lucretia sings on. Em’s stomach flips, and something clicks in their brain.  _ Oh, that’s what’s missing. Lucretia.  _

“I only want your hand to hold,” Lucretia’s eyes are lovely, Em thinks. And then Lucretia isn’t holding their hand, and Em scrambles to play and keep up. 

“I only want you near me,” They sing, voice breaking just slightly but enough to cover it up with a smile. Lucretia grins, and Em plays faster and faster through the end of the song. 

“ To love and kiss to sweetly hold, For the dancing and the dreaming,” Em’s sure their face is scarlet, but they keep singing, louder and faster and Lucretia leans closer. 

“Through all life's sorrows and delights, I'll keep your laugh inside me.” Lucretia’s laughing through her singing, and like everything else, it’s lovely. 

“I'll swim and sail the savage seas, with ne'er a fear of drowning. I'd gladly ride the waves so white

And you will marry me!”

The pair are out of breath for a moment, and the silence in the room is charged, Em staring at Lucretia who stares back. A for a moment, Lucretia leans even closer, her knees brushing against Em’s, and Em thinks they might kiss until Taako loudly drops a pan in the kitchen.

Em jumps, and Lucretia pulls away, a secret amused smile on her soft lips and Em’s heart pounds fast and hard in their chest. 

“Don’t mind me,” Taako calls, “Please continue your, what does Maggie call it? Simping? Yeah, that. Nothing to see here,” He sounds a mix of amused and pissed off and Em laughs, holding tight to their guitar as Lucretia rolls her eyes. 

“No one asked you!” Em calls, and Lucretia laughs a little louder. 

“Thank you for singing for me,” Lucretia says when she finally stops laughing, and it’s a shame because Em really likes her laugh. Something about the way Lucretia says  _ for me _ makes Em’s stomach flip even more, but they can't focus on that too long because Magnus and Lup are approaching the kitchen very loudly. Em starts strumming something light and easy, and narrows their eyes at Lucretia. 

“I thought you didn’t know that song,” They say. Lucretia wiggles her eyebrows. 

“I never said that,” She grins. “You’re a lovely singing partner,” She stands, giving Em’s shoulder a squeeze, and takes her journal with her. As soon as she's out of the room, Em slumps down in their chair, setting their guitar against the wall and breathing deeply to try and clear the warmth from their face. 

“Not into her huh,” Lup sits down in Lucretia’s chair, and Em glares. 

“Shut up,” they say and Lup and Magnus laugh loudly.

  
  
  


“Em?” Lucretia’s hand is in theirs even as Lucretia stands several feet in front of them, her warm brown eyes expectant and excited. Em smiles, and Lucretia squeezes their hand, and tugs them down the path towards the lake. It’s cold out here, under the moon. It’s probably close to 3:00 in the morning, but Em is the furthest thing from tired. Lucretia pulls them out to a little pier that’s hidden behind a low drooping tree that mimics a willow from home. They settle down onto the blanket that Lucretia grabbed from the ship, and Em watches Lucretia pull out a bottle of something fizzy and several croissants from her basket. Lucretia’s face is flushed still, either from the bar or the alcohol, and she sits down across from Em, takes their hand and starts explaining the star charts from her book. Em tilts their head back to look up, following along as Lucretia explains the different constellations mixed in with the usual. Em squeezes Lucretia's hand, and their stomach flips, and suddenly Em knows exactly how they feel about Lucretia. 

Lucretia, laid out next to them with her hands on her stomach and laughing about some stupid joke. Em props up on their elbow, watching Lucretia’s face as she laughs, and slowly Lucretia settles, her eyes focused on Em’s.

“What? Do I have chocolate on my face?” She says and Em grins, shakes their head. 

“No, I just realized how much I like you,” They say candidly, and take a moment to appreciate the shocked smile on Lucretia’s face. 

“Oh,” She says, and Em shrugs sheepishly. 

“Took me a second to figure it out,” They say and Lucretia smiles, reaching out a hand to grab theirs. 

“I’m glad you did,” She says, and Em smiles. 

“Me too.” They don’t say much after that, just holding hands and smiling. At one point Em shifts to allow Lucretia’s head to rest in their lap, their hands gently petting over the soft tangled curls. Lucretia takes in a quick breath and opens her mouth to speak, and then pauses, a crease of concern forming between her eyebrows. Em presses their thumb to it, and Lucretia closes her eyes, and smiles. 

“Can I kiss you?” Em asks, and this must surprise Lucretia, because she sits up a little bit, twisting around. Her eyes shift down to Em’s lips, then back up to their eyes. 

“Yeah,” She says softly. 

Em finds out they’re right about Lucretia’s lips being as soft as they looked. Lucretia slips her hand into Em’s again, and rests her head on their shoulder, and Em closes their eyes and breathes for what feels like the first time.


End file.
